Wednesday 18 February 2009

情感系列之- 孤单寂寞

孤身一人匹夫勇
单有诚意不足矣
寂静夜里独哀号
寞时单枕锁清秋


结束了!换回的,竟是熟悉的孤单寂寞,熟悉得让人感觉仿佛一辈子也脱不了身,离不了它。。。

Saturday 14 February 2009

情感系列之- 我真没用(女生篇)

我真没用!为什么会这样?深埋在心底深处、掩盖得天衣无缝、永远不想告诉对方的承诺,到底有什么意思?每天晚上把灯关上,把自己蒙在被窝里,幻想着自己与对方开开心心在一起,简单的牵着她的手走着一段永远走不完的路。。。‘路上没有密布的荆棘,没有满地的污泥,亦没有豺狼野豹。一路上,就只有我和她,手牵手慢慢地走。累了,我们就停下为彼此抹去脸上的汗滴,给彼此一个会心的微笑,然后再继续牵着手走下去。一直走,一直走。。。一路上美丽迷人的风景,成了我们最佳的衬托。’

醒来吧!!!这不会发生的!创造主对于创造人类最大的精妙之处,就是造了男人和女人。这两种人本应像磁铁,有着异性相吸的微妙本能。男女之间的结合,是一件美丽浪漫的事,也是一件自然而然的事。窈窕淑女,君子好逑,是从古至今一直不变的绝对定律。不知是谁定的规则,男生一定要当主动的那方,女生只需等待着白马王子的出现。从来没人反对这个规定,导致它被普遍接受了。

我曾经认为自己是个还蛮主动交朋友的人。后来,我才渐渐发现到,原来我是很被动的。原来我不敢和别人主动聊天,特别是不认识的人。往往要等到人家打开话闸子了,我才会开口。对着女生,我就更加不知所措,不知如何是好了。只有和超健谈或被印上“老朋友”记号的女生,我才有办法侃侃而谈。发现自己很不像男生了。好多人都说:“那有男生和女生聊天时,男生会感到不好意思的?”悲哀的是,我就是那种男生。我真没用!

才发现自己去西马念书前,从来没有单独和任何女生合照过(家人除外)。我也不敢打电话给女生。手机储存着的女生号码,从没播过。曾经试过做这种事,结果舌头打结到解不开,好丢脸。我也从没和任何一个女生单独相处过。我绝对是个正常的男生,我也非常渴望可以和女生多相处。但是,我真的没有这个胆量。问我怕什么,我不懂,真的不懂。我也时常避免与女生有眼神交流。我真的没办法看着她们的眼睛!看着她们的眼睛,会让我觉得好不自然,很不好意思。。。我真没用!

曾经喜欢过一个女生,但就是不敢打电话给她,不敢约她出来,不敢找她多聊聊,不敢亲自把礼物交给她,不敢不敢不敢。。。什么都不敢。一直以来,我都自作多情的让自己的情感被她左右着,却完全不想让她知道。做了许多“默默”的付出,也从不期望有任何回报。曾经,心灵会因着她的身影进入我的双眼而感到无比欢腾。与她的相识直至可以与她说话,更是被视为白捡了无价之宝,超出心里所需。理所当然的,最后她撇下了这个窝囊的我,找到了她的幸福。为此,我完全找不到不甘心的理由。从始至终,我到底做了些什么?除了天天对自己说“我好喜欢她!我好喜欢她!”,我还做了什么?没有!完全没有!0。我不甘心,但却没有任何理由不甘心。我真没用!

当然,这已成追忆,已不会对我带来任何思绪上的影响。但是,回想起这段往事,就觉得自己很窝囊,是个孬种。明明想和人家多聊聊,多认识,却没有胆量上前开口。这算什么?这种人不会被同情,只会被批“活该你一辈子单身!”今天是情人节,作了首诗送给自己:情人时节惨兮兮,路上单身欲断魂,借问伴侣何处有,牧童摇指笑我蠢。胆量,我只要胆量!上台比赛没问题,为什么开口确是这么难?我真没用!

今年又是新的一年,我不想让历史重演!我要突破!要向林志炫看齐-找一个最爱的、深爱的、相爱的、亲爱的人,来告别单身!SHE也说了:“再靠近一点点就让你牵手,再勇敢一点点我就跟你走。”希望这世上再也没有这么没用的男生,也祝福全世界的有情人终成眷属。什么都不敢的没用窝囊,突破吧!我也一样,加油!情人节快乐(好心虚)。。。





一个没用的单身男生于情人节有感而发

Tuesday 10 February 2009

回忆系列之- 歌唱比赛

把歌唱比赛归入回忆系列,其实心里有些五味杂陈。这是否意味着歌唱比赛对我来说已成了回忆?不是的~~我脆弱的呐喊着。自从到了西马念书后,参加歌唱比赛的机会不是日益减少,而是完全没有了。就这点而言,砂拉越还是不错的,至少形形色色的歌唱比赛从无间断。

犹记得第一次参加歌唱比赛应该是小学一年级吧!那是一次校内的比赛,我的参赛歌曲是《小小羊儿要回家》,好像得到冠军吧!不太记得了。二年级又参加了校内的比赛,唱了《龙的传人》,得到了第一。三年级开始镇上的音乐社开始举办了第一届省级别的校际歌唱赛,我被老师选中代表学校参赛,结果不知怎的又得了冠军。当时选唱的歌曲不是什么儿歌,而是那首《潇洒走一回》。哈哈!三年级的小孩唱这样的歌,现在想起来都觉得太滑稽了。另一首则是《龙的传人》。*(《龙的传人》我从三年级参赛到人生中最后的第三场比赛)当时我拿到的奖杯大概到了我的肩膀吧!第一次拿到那么高的奖杯,但印象里好像没有特别开心。后来的校内选拔我都是第一(除了5年级那年),所以就一直代表学校直到六年级。除了5年级那年,其它的我都夺冠了(5年级怎么了???)。

小学时期除了校际赛,我也代表了泗里街(我家乡)《刘氏公会》参加了各种各样的比赛。最有印象是第一次代表《刘氏》参加《第一届姓氏歌唱赛》,我因为找不到领带,最后戴上了学校班长的领带上场。哈哈!那届我夺冠了。《姓氏歌唱赛》的规则是冠军不得参加下届同组级别的比赛。但是呢,六年级那年,我又代表了《刘氏》,这次《刘氏》执委帮我报名参加“公开组”(公开组为13-44岁的参赛者而设的),可当时我只有12岁!还是硬着头皮上了,结果被淘汰。评判给与的理由是我的声音属于“童音”,但他没说我唱得好不好。老实说,我不太服,但是又能如何?还有也是代表刘氏公会参加嘉年华会,与全砂,沙巴及汶莱的《刘氏公会》代表比赛。简中有冠有亚,也曾被淘汰一次。啊!差点忘了,又一次是代表《泗里街音乐社》参加一项《星砂歌唱赛》(星加坡与砂拉越),我得了殿军。那次的比赛有奖金哦!RM200。哇哈哈!

上了中学,继续有代表学校参加《校际歌唱赛》。中一那年只得到第四,没有资格参加《全砂中学生歌唱赛》。另一项比赛《姓氏》中,印象中得了季军。中二那年得到了校际冠军,并且第一次参加了《全》。那次印象特别深刻,因为是第一次到外坡比赛,菜鸟一个。那个比赛真是高水准,而且被三大高手垄断了前三。我很幸运的晋级决赛,而且在决赛抽到一号!哇!中了“头奖”了。还记得决赛那天,我唱完了之后,因着技术上的问题,我必须重唱!听到这个消息时,我的心脏几乎停止跳动了!怎么第一次的经验就这么特别?重唱也过去了,最后得了个安慰奖。中三那年,校级赛只得了亚军,《全》也只是安慰奖。而在《姓氏》中,我得到了公开组冠军!哈哈!那次挺开心的,不过接下来几年就不能参赛了。中四那年校际赛的了冠军,但是《全》却无法迈入八强。领队们有些不满,他们觉得我唱得不错,应该可以进入决赛。不过算了吧!中五因着SPM,老妈子不让我参加比赛,因此中五那年没有捧过任何奖杯。现在回想有点后悔了。中学时期还是继续有代表《刘氏》,不过印象都模糊了,只记得有几次冠军,亚军,也有安慰奖的。

结束了中学生涯,我的比赛生涯也就近乎终止。18岁那年代表《刘氏》参加了嘉年华的比赛,得到亚军。不过那次还真幸运,因为我太久没有真正练歌了。接下来的一年又是没有什么准备的参加,结果当然是再见了。这一次只后,我就再也没有参加比赛了。

看着以上的历史,好像我是屡战常胜似的,其实不然。我也输过好多次。六年级的“童音”事件只是其中一个例子。小学时有一次代表《刘氏》参加沙、砂汶的比赛,我是彻底输了。那时第一次参加比赛没有拿到奖杯。那次回到酒店,我还伤心得哭了。此外,还有中学时期有一次大胆的选择了流行歌曲《黄昏》参赛(我每次比赛都唱民谣),结果连冠记录被终止,评审还在赛后批评了我,导致我有一段时期患上“流行曲恐惧症”。中四《全》的淘汰亦是其一。对了,还有一次参加了一项《全砂歌王歌后歌唱赛》(只有拿过冠军的歌手有资格参赛),我也空手而归。最后,就是到目前人生中最后的那一场比赛,我也输了。

参加歌唱比赛对儿时的我来说,是一种负担,因为妈妈会逼迫练歌。后来的比赛对我来说是一种折磨,因为开始对自己抱着过高的期望了。回想起来,好像从来没有好好享受过任何一场比赛,真是悲哀!不过,无可否认的,是参加比赛对当时的我已经成为一种习惯,几乎年年准时报到。而令我感到有一点点自豪的,是有许多人都以打败我为目标。这是我后来才知道的。曾经有个不知天高地厚的小子不把我放在眼里,结局就是我狠狠地“修理”及“教训”了他一顿。哈哈!然而,这些都成为了回忆。现在的我,已经太久没有真正的练歌,已经比不上许多人了。也不太敢参加比赛了,实力严重下滑。只不过,要是认真的练一练,我相信我还是OK的。

参加歌唱比赛,不只是追求荣誉,也扩大了我的交友圈子。因此,我从没有后悔。唯一遗憾的,是没有好好享受每场比赛/在舞台上的感觉。我渴望参赛!Astro新秀曾是我的目标,碍于课业方面及天时地利问题,至今没有实现。希望以后还会有机会站上舞台以自己喜欢的歌曲参赛。在舞台上,我才能找到在日常生活里一直在自身找不到的自信。通过唱歌来表达心声,对我而言,远易于面对面的言语交流。希望在往后的日子,歌唱比赛永远不会等于回忆。期待着自己复出的那一天。

Sunday 1 February 2009

1st time clubbing

i am a person who never step into any club in my entire life. i personally feel that it is absolutely pointless to spend $ in a club. in my mind, club is full of alcohol, drunk, smoke, noise... is a foul atmosphere. all my friends have clubbing experiences, and according to them, those are sweet experiences. many of them keep persuading me to try it, but i never. however, this changed after last thursday(29/1/2009).

last week some of my previous classmates who are studying at another university come to newcastle. they stay for few days. on thurday night, we had dinner together. after that, they planned to go clubbing. again, they asked me to join them. at the beginning i rejected them(this is what i react normally). however, on that day, don't know why i join them to go to clubbing, maybe i use chinese new year as an excuse. i dressed up nicely, then having some alcohol with them(they told me that normally people will drink little bit alcohol 1st before going to club. this make them feel excited and 'high'). i drank very little, as i don't feel like want to get 'high'.

when we arrived at the club, i can't believe what i saw by myself- what a LONG LONG queue! everyone were waiting outside as they can't went in together at the same time. there were so many people. other than the queue, more and more were coming, by foot, taxi or private car. walau! what is this? what and why so attractive?

when i was queuing, 1 gal come to me and talk to me. i felt very weired at 1st, but then realized that she just wanted to cut in. my friend told me to stand closer with the people in front of me as this happended all the time. my 1st time, i don't know all this.

finally we got in. 2 pound entry fee! i thought is 1 pound!? the lady on duty told us that 1 pound is before 11.30pm, after such time will be 2 pound. 2 pound gone! pity my $. officially stepped in, i saw so many people were drinking and dancing. the music is so so loud until we can't talk to each other, even shout to others was difficult. i walked around and try to find the attrative part of the club, but i failed. there was only noise, noise, and noise. luckily no 1 smoking inside, if not i will leave immediately.

all my friend went down to the dance floor and started dancing. no 1 actually know how to dance, they just shaked their body and they looked so happy. i went down and 'dance' as well. it was tiring and noisy, thats all in my mind. very boring! just drink and shake body inside, nothing attrative. after 1 hour plus, i left the club and went back.

this is my very 1st time went to clubbing, and i strongly feel that i won't go clubbing again. people said they go clubbing to relax themselves, but in my personal opinion, the noisy music and the atmosphere does not make me feel relax. it makes me feel more tired as i need to 'dance' the whole night and drink a lot of allcohol. the effect of alcohol will appear on the next day when you try to wake up. i hate noise very much. althoght there is also something nice which i quite enjoy (i can see many many sexy dressing gals), but it cost me 2 pound! that is too expensive. haha! therefore, i rather watch some movie or play NBA games or go to gym to relax myself. maybe, i think, i am just not clubbing type people. clubbing doesn't suit me at all. anyway, it is a good thing to experience something new at least once.

conclusion- no more clubbing! (unless some1 willing to spend me the whole expenses, maybe i will consider. but this is impossible right!? hohoho!)